©2012 Triffique Productions Pty Ltd

This script may not be performed or reproduced in whole or in part, stored in or placed in any retrieval system, or transmitted

in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the direct written permission of

the copyright owner.

 

 

HOW GREEN WAS MY CACTUS

Starring

KEITH SCOTT

ROBYN MOORE

 

 

KRUDD & TALKBULL

 

MUSIC: CACTUS THEME INTRO STING

 

ANNCR:                             HeeeereÕs Cactus! Dot com dot au.

FX: BAR ATMOS UNDER:

                                           The Sir John Kerr Memorial Bar in Parliament Grouse where 2 dishevelled figures sat in the Glenn Milne Corner for the Tired and Emotional.

 

RUDD:                                (DRUNK) Let me say this. (HIC) The second thing IÕd say is this. I donÕt know about you Malcolm but I really miss being the head banana of the Lab, Lay, Lame Party.

 

TURNBULL:                        (DRUNK) Count me in on that one, Krudd my man mate fellow. (HIC)

 

RUDD:                                That backstabbing red witch Julia Buzz-ard has drivelled me to drink.

 

TURNBULL:                        No it was that devious bounder Tony Abscess who stole my Coalition leaderness.

 

RUDD:                                They took away our joblihoods. (HIC)

 

TURNBULL:                        I say waitperson! (HIC) Two more bottles of the Grange Hermitage Õ83 sil vous plait.

 

WAITRESS:                        (APPROACHING) Sorry sir, youÕve drunk us out of the Õ83, we only have the Õ84.

 

TURNBULL:                        The Õ84? Oh God, nothing is going right. (HIC)

 

RUDD:                                LetÕs get real here Melbourne. Everyone knows weÕre the smartest men in the pole Harliament.

 

TURNBULL:                        Precisely. (HIC) YouÕve struck the right chord on the head there.

 

RUDD:                                The pinion polls say weÕre both preferred leaders over Julia the Ripper and Tony the Mad Monk.

 

TURNBULL:                        They couldnÕt lead their feet off a bungy jump. (HIC)

 

RUDD:                                ExÉ(HIC)Éactly. So why donÕt you two and I part our own starty?

 

TURNBULL:                        ErÉpardon?

 

RUDD:                                I saidÉ(HIC)Éwhy donÕt you and I spart our own tarty?

 

TURNBULL:                        ThatÕs what I thought you said. (HIC) Sparting our own tarty is a capital idea. WeÕll call it the Preserved, er, Preferred Leaders Party.

 

RUDD:                                Brilliant! (HIC) And IÕll be the Grand Leader and you can be my vice banana.

 

TURNBULL:                        What? (HIC) Now you just hold your whores Krudd my man. I  should be the Grand Banana because IÕm rich. (HIC)

 

RUDD:                                So what? I speak Mandolin. (HIC)

 

TURNBULL:                        You eat you own earwax.

 

RUDD:                                And youÕre a pretentious ponce. Take this. (EFFORT)

 

TURNBULL:                        Ha, missed me.

FX: BODY FALL

                                           And you fell off your chair. (LAUGH & HIC) I think youÕre a bit Oliver Pissed. (LAUGH) ErÉKrudd?

 

RUDD:                                (BIG SNORES)

 

TURNBULL:                        Oh botheration. The people in my new party donÕt even listen to me. (BIG HIC)

 

MUSIC: THEME OUT

 

 

 

 

 

 

©2012 Triffique Productions Pty Ltd

This script may not be performed or reproduced in whole or in part, stored in or placed in any retrieval system, or transmitted

in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the direct written permission of

the copyright owner.

 

 

HOW GREEN WAS MY CACTUS

Starring

KEITH SCOTT

ROBYN MOORE

 

 

FOCUS GROUPS

                                            

MUSIC: CACTUS THEME INTRO STING

 

ANNCR:                             HeeeereÕs Cactus! Dot com dot au.

 

MUSIC: FADE OUT CACTUS THEME UNDER:

 

GILLARD:                           Anything else on my way home Timmy?

 

TIM (PHONE):                    Yes Jules, we need some chocolate sauce and some whipped cream. Oh and more olive oil.

 

GILLARD:                           Right. Anything for the kitchen?

 

TIM (PHONE):                    No. DonÕt be late sweetie. (LECHEROUS GIGGLE)

 

GILLARD:                           (LECHEROUS GIGGLE)

FX: PHONE RECEIVER DOWN (THIS END)

                                           Ahem. Now where were we Treasurer Wayne Duck?

 

SWAN:                               We were discussing the Labor PartyÕs standing in the latest opinion polls. Or opinion stumps in our case. Whoo whoo!

 

GILLARD:                           Yes, I believe weÕre even less popular than Bob KatterÕs new party, and itÕs led by a hat full of cabbage. Obviously weÕre all but dead Wayne, what are we going to do?

 

SWAN:                               (QUIETLY) I, Wayne Sylvester Duck, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath all my worldly goods toÉ

 

GILLARD:                           Wayne, are you listening?

 

SWAN:                               Do you think theyÕll mind a will being written in red ink?

 

GILLARD:                           What are we going to do Wayne?

 

SWAN:                               Not sure boss, we havenÕt asked a focus group yet.

 

GILLARD:                           What? But IÕm sure weÕve done a focus group on falling opinion poll policy.

 

SWAN:                               ThatÕs next week. This week we did focus groups on asylum seekers, climate change, the number of pin stripes we should have in our suits, how often to say obviouslyÉ

 

GILLARD:                           Obviously itÕs just so depressing. I just want to go home to Timmy. What time did the focus group say is good for me to leave the office?

 

SWAN:                               (PAPER RUSTLE) LetÕs see. Ten thirty six pm. It makes you look conscient-thÉconscien-th-thÉhard working.

 

GILLARD:                           But thatÕs hours away. Where will I get olive oil at that time of night?

 

SWAN:                               (PAPER RUSTLE) UmÉfocus group says the convenience store in Kingston.

 

FX: KNOCK AT DOOR

 

GILLARD:                           Oh oh, a knock at the door. What should we do Wayne?

 

SWAN:                               (PAPER RUSTLE) Oh sugar. One focus group says to say Òwho is itÓ. The second focus group says to say Òcome inÓ.

 

GILLARD:                           Oh gawd, I hate decisions.

 

SWAN:                               Try half and half boss.

 

GILLARD:                           Right. Ahem. Who in!

 

FX: BEAT THEN DOOR KNOCK

 

GILLARD:                           Come is it?!

 

FX: DOOR OPEN

 

FAULKNER:                       (ANGRY) Oh for heavenÕs sake.

 

GILLARD:                           Oh itÕs our good friend and colleague John Faulkner.

 

FAULKNER:                       You idiots have got to stop all this nonsense.

 

GILLARD/SWAN:                Eh?/Sorry Faulks?

 

FAULKNER:                       Our Party relies too much on bloody focus groups.

 

GILLARD:                           What makes you think that?

 

FAULKNER:                       This morningÕs focus group on focus groups told me.

 

GILLARD/SWAN:                (WARM UNDERSTANDING OUT)

 

MUSIC: THEME OUT