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HOW GREEN WAS MY CACTUS

Starring

KEITH SCOTT & ROBYN MOORE

 

 

Swine Flu

Broadcast 11.5.09

        

MUSIC:  THEME INTRO STING

 

AMERICAN ANNCR:          The Cactus Nature Channel presents...

 

MUSIC: HISTORY DRAMA THEME UNDER:

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       (URGENTLY SERIOUS) The illustrated history of Mother NatureÕs cruellest joke, Swine Flu,  an almost silent killer.

 

SEVERAL PEOPLE:           (SNEEZES & COUGHS)

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       Hi IÕm Doctor Summer Kildare-Dolittle. The planet is asking, can swine flu be more devastating than a noocular attack? To find the answer we must go back to the origins of this evil disease.

 

PORKY PIG:                      Abadee abadeeÉ(CONT. UNDER:)

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       Back before the days of modern drugs, even the cutest little piggy could get sick.

 

PORKY PIG:                      Éabedee achoo! ThatÕs flu folks. (LAUGH)

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       From there the disease infected the human population in the American wild westÉ

FX: BACKGROUND GUNSHOTS & HORSES UNDER:

                                           Éwhere many outlaws wore masks to avoid dying. But swine flu soon claimed its first victim. If only Billy the Kid had worn a mask, he may have become Billy the Adult.

                                              

FX: SWORD FIGHT & PANDEMONIUM, SPANISH MUSIC UNDER:

                                              

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       Swine flu also claimed the swashbuckling do-gooder Zorro who wore his mask too high.

                                          

ZORRO:                            Achoo! (DIES)

 

FX: BODY FALL

FX: BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR ATMOS WITH SHIP CANNON UNDER:

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       The idiotic Admiral Horatio Nelson also succumbed because he wore his mask over just one eye.

 

NELSON:                           Achoo! Kiss me Hardy.

 

HARDY:                              Um no, I only kiss healthy blokes.

 

MUSIC: IRISH MUSIC UNDER:

                  

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       Even in far off lands like Australia swine flu struck even the most highly protected people.

 

IRISH DAD:                        Brilliant Ned Kelly! A metal mask, thatÕll keep the swine flu out, to be sure, to be sure.

 

NED KELLY:                       Aye Da, itÕs all those damn pigs that are after me.

 

POLICEMAN:                     (OFF) Come out in the name of the law or weÕll sneeze!

 

POLICEMEN:                     (OFF) Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

 

NED KELLY:                       Ow! Oh no, the wily buggers have sneezed me in the legs. Achoo! Oh well, such is swine flu. (DIES)

 

FX: BODY FALL

MUSIC: HISTORY DRAMA THEME UNDER:

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       To this day we must take precautions as swine flu rages like a bursting volcano in the palm of humanity. Stay away from any terrorist wearing a mask and carrying a sneezing pig in a backpack. All brides should wear a very thick veil, because believe me girls, youÕre marrying a pig. And remember, never let your children near Michael Jackson. But getting back to swine flu, this is Doctor Summer saying, donÕt say pigs might fly, say some swine flu.

 

DIRECTOR:                       (OFF) Get off!

 

AMERICAN DOCTOR:       Right.

                                             

MUSIC: THEME OUT