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HOW GREEN WAS MY CACTUS
Starring
KEITH SCOTT
ROBYN MOORE
DETENTION
CENTRE
Broadcast 27.10.09
MUSIC: CACTUS THEME INTRO STING
RUDD: Let
me say this.
FX: CHOCOLATE WHEEL SPIN
The
next critical problem to solve on my chocolate wheel of national emergencies
isÉ
FX: CHOCOLATE WHEEL STOP
Our
disintegrating public health system!
CABINET: (GROANS
OF DISAPPOINTMENT)
FERGUSON: It
is alright, I know how we can fix that.
RUDD: How
Mutton Ferguson?
FERGUSON: Spin
the wheel again. (SILLY LAUGH)
CABINET: (AGREEMENT)
RUDD: Brilliant
thinking Mutton.
FX: CHOCOLATE WHEEL SPIN
The
next critical problem to solve on my chocolate wheel of national emergencies
isÉ
FX: CHOCOLATE WHEEL STOP
The
snowballing boatpeople crisis!
CABINET: (GROANS
OF DISAPPOINTMENT)
RUDD: No
no, IÕll deal with this one. When it comes to
boat-people I intend to be tough but humane in the way I take these poor,
desperate asylum seekers andÉturn them
into vote winners.
CABINET: (SURPRISED
ADMIRATION)
RUDD: So
if anyone wants me IÕll be on Christmas Island. Come along Julia, carry me to
the plane.
GILLARD: Right. (EFFORT)
MUSIC: JINGLE BELLS (DD 1/43), FADE OUT UNDER:
ANNCR: Christmas
Island, home to 15 hundred asylum seekers.
SRI
LANKAN MAN: My
goodness, this detention centre is so crowded.
CHINESE
WOMAN: Yes
they want to make us feel at home.
REFUGEES: (AGREEMENT)
FX: DOOR OPEN (CLOSE UNDER:)
RUDD: Let
me say this. My name is Kevin and IÕm here to help.
GILLARD: And
my name is Julia and IÕm here to do what Kruddy says
heÕll help you with. I do everything around here.
REFUGEES: (GREETINGS)
RUDD: Firstly,
guess what? Anyone here who is not from Pakistan, Sri Lanka, or India can go
home immediately.
ARABS/CHINESE: (FADING
DISAPPOINTMENT)
CHINESE
WOMAN: (FADING)
Aw not fair.
ARAB
MAN: (FADING)
Hhh-I will kill your country.
RUDD: Yes
yes, off you go.
FX: DOOR CLOSE
You
remaining sub-continental people will now be tested for citizenship eligibility
by our new immigration
examiner.
GILLARD: A
new examiner? Who?
FX: DOOR OPEN
SHANE
WARNE: GÕday,
Shane WarneÕs the name.
SUB CONT REFUGEES: (EXCITEMENT
& SHOUTS OF ŌSHANE WARNEÕ)
GILLARD: Gawsh! Shane Warne. IÕve gorn
weak above the knees.
RUDD: (WHISPER)
Shane! Dress yourself, your fly is undone!
SHANE
WARNE: Eh?
Oh sorry, I flew Qantas, blame the hosties.
FX: FLY ZIP UP
RUDD: Now
listen up people. Our national cricket team is in desperate need of an
Ashes-winning spinner, so Warnie here will put you
through your paces. The boatload with the best spinner can stay.
SUB
CONT REFUGEES: (EXCITEMENT)
SHANE
WARNE: Right,
leggies to the left of the room, offies to the right, and all you chicks back
to my room for practise in slips.
SUB
CONT GIRLS: (FADING
GIGGLING)
FX: DOOR CLOSE
RUDD: I
tell you Julia, finding a Test spinner will be an election winner. (LAUGH)
Julia? Julia! Come back here!
MUSIC: THEME OUT